Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Most melodramatic chocolate EVER

This is from Veronica's gmail away message, and it was amusing enough that I wanted to share. :-) I love reading the cheesy descriptions of wine on the back of the bottle, and the descriptions of the clothes in catalogues like Coldwater Creek--I TOTALLY WISH I HAD THAT JOB and want to know how you get it! Also fabulous are the descriptions of cheeses on a cheese tasting menu ("This cheese is reminiscent of a windy spring morning on the moors of England--slightly earthy with a quality of just-ripened barley and lavender." WHAT?) I like this post so much because it shows what those little blurbs could be if people REALLY TRIED, just a little harder!

**NOTE--I have made toffee before, with my own bare hands, so draw your own conclusions!**

from www.mcsweeneys.net

White Chocolate Truffle
What black arts could have stripped this chocolate of its natural hue? The horror of the unearthly, corpselike pallor of this truffle's complexion is only offset by its fiendish deliciousness.
Nut Cluster Crunch
This eerie candy will test the sanity of all but those who possess the strongest of constitutions. Strange congeries of almonds, walnuts, and pistachios dance hypnotically within, promising to reveal their eldritch secrets to anyone foolish enough to take a bite of these ancient nut clusters!
Coconut Creme Swirl
They say that the Coconut Creme Swirl sleeps. But if the dread Coconut Creme Swirl slumbers, surely it must also dream. It is certain that while it dozes the Coconut Creme Swirl is absorbed by terrifying visions of exacting its creamy tropical vengeance upon mankind! Consume the Coconut Creme Swirl before it awakens to consume you!
Dark Chocolate Fudge
Dark! All-encompassing, eternal darkness! Human eyes cannot penetrate the stygian blackness of this unholy confection!
Peanut Butter Cup
In 1856, a fisherman from a tiny hamlet on the New England coast made a terrible pact with serpentine beasts from beneath the sea, that he might create the most delicious sweet seen upon the Earth since the days of the great Elder Race. Thus was forged the satanic pact between peanut butter and chocolate that resulted in the mutant offspring you see before you!
Chocolate Cherry Cordial
You must not think me mad when I tell you what I found below the thin shell of chocolate used to disguise this bonbon's true face. Yes! Hidden beneath its rich exterior is a hideously moist cherry cordial! What deranged architect could have engineered this non-Euclidean aberration? I dare not speculate.
Caramel Chew
There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.
Toffee Nugget
Few men dare ask the question "What is toffee, exactly?" All those who have investigated this substance are now either dead or insane.

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